The Written Word
The following poem was submitted by friend of the network, Jorge Aristigui.
Perhaps it was the unfairness that got to me,
Collecting scissors to cut the fat; like a gruesome madman autopsy,
The prince is here, and I stand as jester,
The Addam's family's uncle Fester,
The unsure pigeon; yet still good feather,
The crayon mold; on the love letter,
Unfair perhaps, but to what degree,
The ocean's view superb, but its beauty lies beneath the sea,
Underneath the royal crown I stand of copper sympathy,
With the whispers of the night I share the paints of empathy,
Picture silence, for I was framed,
Puddles of blood bubbles bursting into crimson haze-
Illustrate the cover of the never ending book of blame,
I turn no page, for familiar is the titles name,
Perhaps tomorrow will seam much better,
No reign of crows, or horrid cellars,
No statue glares, for saints aren't dwellers,
No rat birthed rabbits, or flocks of hellers,
I am the Bob to his perfect Ritchie,
A halo storm of pure inequity,
Despite the facts I do not knee,
If love shall come; zoom in quickly,
Perhaps the poem decides right hear,
Decides its buzz, like a drunk bee stung by high life beer,
Decides to touch on our darkest fears,
Decides its end is just as near,
Our world's unfair, but what world is just?
The peachy pair still has its fuzz,
The perfect couple is never loved,
Breakfast and lunch still fight for brunch,
Like a bottle's letter; does stay afloat,
This Ferris wheel perhaps; has a rise of hope.
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"Can Opposite Sex Friendships Keep Sex Out of the Equation?" by Madam Q
It is an ongoing historical debate. Can women and men be platonic friends without the complications of sex? According to Billy Crystal’s Harry, in When Harry Met Sally, the answer is emphatically, NO. Sex always gets in the way. He comes close to adding an addendum to his original answer, explaining maybe it could happen if both are involved with someone, but then quickly recants by rationalizing that the significant other might question it all and possibly become hurt. So what’s my take on it all? My answer is yes, in very specific instances, but mostly no even though I’ve had the opportunity to experience a handful of adult platonic male friendships.
In my mid 30s, I was a single woman who hung out with a bunch of single guys. At the time, I preferred their friendship over female friendships. I found women were too competitive, too manipulative, too interested in shopping…the guys were transparent, simple, and fun. The charter guys were coworkers but the pack grew by way of friends of friends and so on. Only one had an on again/off again girlfriend, but she was a non-issue. The guys and I quickly became running buddies. My apartment was the cheapest hangout and was open 24 hours. During this period in my life, we went clubbing, went to strip clubs, played cards until 4am, listened to Enigma and Big Head Todd and the Monsters, drank, watched sports, smoked herb, laughed, busted each other’s balls, debated, argued, made up, and had each other’s back. It was a fun time. Some mornings, I’d wake up to find my living room floor resembling Jonestown without the vats of Kool-Aid…bodies everywhere all still fully clothed. I won’t lie. There was one or two that I would have loved to fuck, but did not because the sex wasn’t worth jeopardizing the friendship. There was one or two that I was physically attracted to, but it wasn’t mutual, so I kept my mouth shut. And there was one or two that I did sleep with and regretted it before the sweat dried. It was a wild, crazy, fun time in my life. We grew up, got married, and moved on. I still communicate with two of those guys (never had sex with either), but the friendship is just not the same. I miss those days.
The other platonic friendship I had was with a gay man, HLT. We graduated from high school together. I was him, but with tits; he was me, but with a dick. We talked religion, men, philosophy, sex, food, men, sports, family, and men. We’d light patchouli incense, get loaded, make a food run to find a marked down cake that said HAPPY BIRTHDAY SCOTTY (because Scotty’s mom forgot to pick up Scotty’s cake), devour the entire cake, and then talk men again. On two different occasions, HLT suggested we should fuck. Both times, I laughed in his face and told him to put the bong down because he’d had enough. I just wasn’t attracted to him that way, even though he was an attractive man. My husband at the time was insanely jealous of my relationship with HLT even knowing that HLT was gay. The marriage lasted 8 years, the friendship with HLT much longer. One day, HLT and I had a falling out that seemed too deep to repair, so we parted ways. I mourned that friendship more than I mourned the broken marriage.
I am always keenly aware of my level of communication with single men or married men. I have a tendency to over analyze it to spare me a lot of bullshit or headache or heartache down the road. In these scenarios, trouble could be on the horizon:
I’m involved/married, he’s single or I’m single, he’s involved/married: If there is constant communication, even if it’s non-sexual type stuff, it still eventually leads to problems. The significant other might see or hear something that plants a little seed of doubt which soon leads to the growth of a massive oak of insecurities and hurt feelings. I can think of a hundred scenarios when this might happen. Excessive texting to each other is a big no-no. Hiding how much you communicate with each other is another. Freud says there’s a little truth and a whole lot of suppression to all jokes. So, in the comfort of an innocent, fun friendship, one of the two might cross the line and say something flirty turning it into an ongoing whirlwind of innuendo. Suddenly, jealously rears its ugly head and lurks around the corner. Even in the most solid of relationships, the single party involved can easily become an unwelcome third wheel.
We’re both single: This scenario is not as convoluted, but still isn’t as simple as it should be. In lonely times, people get weak. Friends with benefits who often engage in booty calls to each other can work with it to a certain point. I personally run fast from “FWB” situations or squash the notion early on. If there’s already a friendship and there’s enough physical attraction to bump uglies on a lonely night, then where’s the missing link? Seems to me the unspoken message is, “you’re good enough for this, but not that.” Who’s using who? Someone’s going to get their feelings hurt when you really look at the truth of the situation. When one of the two becomes romantically involved with someone new, it can easily get nasty. I believe that one person having more emotional feelings and physical attraction for the other is usually the case…and that’s a doomed situation no matter which side of the fence you’re on. If two single people have a great friendship without sex, because they aren’t physically attracted to one another and it’s a truthful representation of the relationship….it might work, but it’s rare.
We’re both involved: Run, Forest, run. Talk about a shit storm in the making!
Man’s best friend, that furry, four-legged creature might just be the only true relationship you can have with the opposite sex. Having a bitch boxer or rat terrier as a confidant won’t cause any headaches between you and the love in your life. You can leave the house with your buddy and not be questioned, unload all life’s problems and not be judged, and give hugs that you don’t have to explain. Wait a second…let me take that back. Now that I think about it, husband #1 used to bitch and moan because I gave more time and affection to our dog. But, I can explain. Max, the dog, had more sense.
The differences in men and woman are never more evident than in this age old discussion about male/female friendships. It’s complicated and situational. I don’t believe there are textbook rules on platonic friendships with the opposite sex and my personal experiences certainly don’t warrant anything worthy of being written in stone. If you are unsure about it all, ask your significant other what the rules are and just adopt those. It will save you a whole lot of ass chewing and grief. However, if the answer is “sure, it’s okay”, beware and tread lightly. It’s most likely not the whole truth.
"Bedroom Deal Breakers"
by Madam Q
We are all captains of our ships, especially in the bedroom. What is allowed, what is acceptable, what I want, what I need is all determined by me. I am a firm believer in meeting in the middle and bending a little when it’s necessary, however there are some situations when I refuse to budge and have no problem handing out pink slips. At that point, negotiating is null and void. As we get older some deal breakers are deleted, added, or even modified. It comes with experience, maturity, and changes in our ever changing patience and tolerances.
At this very moment, here are my top five bedroom deal breakers:
1.The Turn-away. If I’ve just gone down on a man, brought him to the paradise of completion and consumed the nectar of his achievement… then crawl back up to get eye level with him and kiss him to seal the deal, and he turns his head away from me…he’s history. I’m not talking about snowballing or cream puffing his face. I’m talking about a spunk-free kiss that merely says, “Wow, that was fun.” Any guy who tries to justify that heinous crime by saying it’s gross, it’s gay or whatever has got a whole lot of nerve. I figure if my mouth and perfect lips are good enough for you and yours, then you should acknowledge it and be a little more appreciative.
2.Did you forget something? Selfish men in bed piss me off. What ever happened to it takes two to tango? When did sex become a one way street? Maybe in college boy years that was acceptable but not today, not with me, not at my age. When a man gets his, and does so QUICKLY, then rolls over and rattles my windows with his snoring while I’m suddenly on the wet spot of my GOOD sheets and I did not feel the earth move and see angels weep…oh, helllllllll nooooooooo. Bye.
3.Dial it down, Safeguard it up. This is a no brainer and has been on my deal breaker list since I was 18 years old. If it ain’t clean, then I ain’t your queen. I’ve heard males joke around for years about women and hygiene. Fish this, fish that, fish jokes, on and on and on….but let me tell you one thing…sweat, BO, and all that is not pleasant does not just pertain to women. Guys, hear me out, especially you uncircumcised, turtleneck fellows. Grab a loofah or a Brillo pad, some hot water, some good smelling stuff and do what you have to do to get your seesaw and the entire playground appealing. PERIOD.
4.WTF? I’m all for adding a little spice in the bedroom. However, some fantasies need to be discussed before you pull a Michael Orr and blindside my ass. I once had a guy find my lingerie drawer, put on some of my silky panties when I wasn’t looking, then crawled into bed to surprise me. Not only did he think that was a fun thing to do, the fucker cut a hole (small hole, I might add) out of the crotch so he could still perform. I was horrified and turned off, not to mention the sight of my big-assed panties on his small ass was a neon sign of just how big my ass was compared to his. I don’t do men in panties, especially mine. The proper thing to do is always discuss what you want to try or what you think might be fun. Anyone who just assumes it’s okay to do non-vanilla activities might be exiting sooner than they can take my panties off. I’m a pretty creative person who flies a freak flag often, but some things just don’t fly with me. If he can’t ask me or discuss it with me first, then it will be someone else’s lingerie drawer he’s digging through the next go round. (footnote: I let HIM keep the ruined panties)
5.Dings & Buzzes. If a man has young kids, or a relative in the hospital, or is a 24-hour organ transplant transporter, then it’s ok for him to keep his cell phone on my nightstand. If not, a dinging, ringing cell phone at all hours is not acceptable. It’s disruptive. If he is in the middle of giving me his A-game, and I hear ding after ding of texts, it’s going to break my concentration and ruin the moment. If it’s after 11, it’s going to look like a booty call no matter who is in the hospital. It’s rude. I’m an understanding woman, but I can smell juggling a mile away. I have no problem replacing the sound of his dings with the buzzing that comes from man’s greatest invention tucked safe in my nightstand.
Since I tend to be a direct, to-the-point kind of girl, I typically tell offenders exactly what I find offensive. However, in the case of bedroom deal breakers, I often keep my mouth shut to avoid ugly scenes. I despise drama and low blows in the bedroom whether it’s with a one nighter or a spouse. I find it a bit tacky and choose to file the offense away mentally while slipping into a mode to disconnect myself from insignificant perpetrators immediately. That may seem chickenshit but I really do try to avoid getting into a pissing match with someone who will soon be a non-issue. Take the high road so to speak. If a reason is demanded and seems to be absolutely necessary, I will diplomatically but sternly explain the exact moment things went south. I usually add, “And it’s non-negotiable.” With spouses and significant others, it becomes a little more complex. Honesty is best.
Whether all this makes me appear to be a strong woman or a ruthless bitch, depending who you ask, it’s okay by me. I accept either title and will wear the tiara proudly. Ultimately, we as individuals, have our limits and boundaries and have to be able to stand by what is tried and true to ourselves otherwise you soon end up someone’s doormat or just an unhappy camper. Above all, to thine own self be true. So establish your deal breaker list, laminate it and keep it in your wallet, and stick to it with no exceptions.
If you need an exit line when you are in your own bed, feel free to borrow mine. “Thank you for an interesting night, Sweetie…now, can you please roll my trashcan out to the curb on your way out?” I once had an “overnight guest” that had the privilege of having some of my scrumptious lasagna as foreplay. Later on in the evening, he committed two deal breaker crimes, bless his heart. As he left my house, I gave him a generous portion of leftover lasagna to take home and explained, “Don’t worry about returning the Tupperware. It’s the disposable kind for the guests that don’t get invited back.” Even the clueless seem to understand that message.
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I'm excited to announce, in 2015, we will be joined by writer/blogger "Madam Q". She is southern, smart, sassy and will be sharing her experiences and opinions on love, lust and relationships. Look for her posts in January!
Blue Streak Radio would like to welcome the Beans and Crackers Podcast to the network. Comedian Aleks WithaK will bring his brand of humor along with guests and stories from the road, stage and behind the scenes. Tune in this Sunday 7pm CT for his very first episode!
I had the pleasure of being interviewed by the awesome people over at http://www.simplysxy.com. They have one of the best sex positive sites around with tons of great articles and information.