"Bedroom Deal Breakers"
by Madam Q
We are all captains of our ships, especially in the bedroom. What is allowed, what is acceptable, what I want, what I need is all determined by me. I am a firm believer in meeting in the middle and bending a little when it’s necessary, however there are some situations when I refuse to budge and have no problem handing out pink slips. At that point, negotiating is null and void. As we get older some deal breakers are deleted, added, or even modified. It comes with experience, maturity, and changes in our ever changing patience and tolerances.
At this very moment, here are my top five bedroom deal breakers:
1.The Turn-away. If I’ve just gone down on a man, brought him to the paradise of completion and consumed the nectar of his achievement… then crawl back up to get eye level with him and kiss him to seal the deal, and he turns his head away from me…he’s history. I’m not talking about snowballing or cream puffing his face. I’m talking about a spunk-free kiss that merely says, “Wow, that was fun.” Any guy who tries to justify that heinous crime by saying it’s gross, it’s gay or whatever has got a whole lot of nerve. I figure if my mouth and perfect lips are good enough for you and yours, then you should acknowledge it and be a little more appreciative.
2.Did you forget something? Selfish men in bed piss me off. What ever happened to it takes two to tango? When did sex become a one way street? Maybe in college boy years that was acceptable but not today, not with me, not at my age. When a man gets his, and does so QUICKLY, then rolls over and rattles my windows with his snoring while I’m suddenly on the wet spot of my GOOD sheets and I did not feel the earth move and see angels weep…oh, helllllllll nooooooooo. Bye.
3.Dial it down, Safeguard it up. This is a no brainer and has been on my deal breaker list since I was 18 years old. If it ain’t clean, then I ain’t your queen. I’ve heard males joke around for years about women and hygiene. Fish this, fish that, fish jokes, on and on and on….but let me tell you one thing…sweat, BO, and all that is not pleasant does not just pertain to women. Guys, hear me out, especially you uncircumcised, turtleneck fellows. Grab a loofah or a Brillo pad, some hot water, some good smelling stuff and do what you have to do to get your seesaw and the entire playground appealing. PERIOD.
4.WTF? I’m all for adding a little spice in the bedroom. However, some fantasies need to be discussed before you pull a Michael Orr and blindside my ass. I once had a guy find my lingerie drawer, put on some of my silky panties when I wasn’t looking, then crawled into bed to surprise me. Not only did he think that was a fun thing to do, the fucker cut a hole (small hole, I might add) out of the crotch so he could still perform. I was horrified and turned off, not to mention the sight of my big-assed panties on his small ass was a neon sign of just how big my ass was compared to his. I don’t do men in panties, especially mine. The proper thing to do is always discuss what you want to try or what you think might be fun. Anyone who just assumes it’s okay to do non-vanilla activities might be exiting sooner than they can take my panties off. I’m a pretty creative person who flies a freak flag often, but some things just don’t fly with me. If he can’t ask me or discuss it with me first, then it will be someone else’s lingerie drawer he’s digging through the next go round. (footnote: I let HIM keep the ruined panties)
5.Dings & Buzzes. If a man has young kids, or a relative in the hospital, or is a 24-hour organ transplant transporter, then it’s ok for him to keep his cell phone on my nightstand. If not, a dinging, ringing cell phone at all hours is not acceptable. It’s disruptive. If he is in the middle of giving me his A-game, and I hear ding after ding of texts, it’s going to break my concentration and ruin the moment. If it’s after 11, it’s going to look like a booty call no matter who is in the hospital. It’s rude. I’m an understanding woman, but I can smell juggling a mile away. I have no problem replacing the sound of his dings with the buzzing that comes from man’s greatest invention tucked safe in my nightstand.
Since I tend to be a direct, to-the-point kind of girl, I typically tell offenders exactly what I find offensive. However, in the case of bedroom deal breakers, I often keep my mouth shut to avoid ugly scenes. I despise drama and low blows in the bedroom whether it’s with a one nighter or a spouse. I find it a bit tacky and choose to file the offense away mentally while slipping into a mode to disconnect myself from insignificant perpetrators immediately. That may seem chickenshit but I really do try to avoid getting into a pissing match with someone who will soon be a non-issue. Take the high road so to speak. If a reason is demanded and seems to be absolutely necessary, I will diplomatically but sternly explain the exact moment things went south. I usually add, “And it’s non-negotiable.” With spouses and significant others, it becomes a little more complex. Honesty is best.
Whether all this makes me appear to be a strong woman or a ruthless bitch, depending who you ask, it’s okay by me. I accept either title and will wear the tiara proudly. Ultimately, we as individuals, have our limits and boundaries and have to be able to stand by what is tried and true to ourselves otherwise you soon end up someone’s doormat or just an unhappy camper. Above all, to thine own self be true. So establish your deal breaker list, laminate it and keep it in your wallet, and stick to it with no exceptions.
If you need an exit line when you are in your own bed, feel free to borrow mine. “Thank you for an interesting night, Sweetie…now, can you please roll my trashcan out to the curb on your way out?” I once had an “overnight guest” that had the privilege of having some of my scrumptious lasagna as foreplay. Later on in the evening, he committed two deal breaker crimes, bless his heart. As he left my house, I gave him a generous portion of leftover lasagna to take home and explained, “Don’t worry about returning the Tupperware. It’s the disposable kind for the guests that don’t get invited back.” Even the clueless seem to understand that message.